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Thursday, August 24, 2006

Sitting there, this morning, biting toothlessly into my breakfast brioche, I followed the news on the TV.

Suddenly I sat bolt upright, for some sad news (which will infuriate my mate Chippie) had come humming down from the Satellite!

Heinz HP Sauce factory to be closed in UK!!

As of March next year, all Heinz HP Sauce will be made in HOLLAND!!!

This will mean, I'm sure, much moaning and wailing and gnashing of teeth (which means I will be excluded!) since the British lovers of this brownish, dhiarrea like substance, will insist that no damned Dutchman will EVER be able to make the stuff as well as an Englishman.

I hate the stuff (but I've had the politeness to store the photo under "Food + Drink" - not being sure which category it falls into), just as I hate the other redder version, called variously Catsup, Ketchup, amongst other names, but I can understand that, when a British Institution is attacked in such a terrible manner, defensive tactics have to brushed up!

Well - there have been quite a few things to be defended over there in the last few years! From Rover cars through to Durex condoms (special UK size!)

It appears that British Banks, Postal Services, Insurance companies, telephone companies and many more, actually work out of Bangcock or India or Pakistan, a call to your local bank passing by way of New Dheli before you can talk/chat to Mr. Jones, whose accent has changed considerably since the last time you spoke!

Defensice action was taken for Rover cars, but nobody wanted them anyway, since they insisted on keeping the Imperial measurement system, which meant that spanners and other tools didn't fit, or could only be "wedged" in place, giving many a slip and many a finger cut off! The tyres were of a different dimension to the rest of the world as well, making one tyre for a Rover model equivalent to the price of 4 for a Japanese/French/German etc... Spare parts (although obliged to continue production of these for some 5-7 years) will become more and more difficult to find, and without doubt, the Rover collection will become (like many other UK things) a rarity!

The Durex condom factory defensive measures consisted in pricking little holes in the bottom of the article, making them unusable as party balloons. The problem with these particular (made for the British market) condoms, was that nobody else in Europe - nay the World, could use them. They were too small!

Anyway, Saturday nights will never be the same again - no condoms, little or no true HP sauce, Fish + Chips with curry sauce (what happened to brown paper and chip shop vinegar?) all washed down with artificial bitter ale, made also in Holland(!) and staining the leather seats of our Rover classics will also become rather more difficult!

What will be next? Somebody going to try and replace Tony Blair? Maybe for a model "made in USA"!!!!!!!!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I must say I have never seen my better half so down yesterday. It was not the fact that our beloved HP Sauce was to going to Holland, If it has to leave the country, I can't think of a better place than Holland for it to go, as we have some very dear friends there. But it's a bitter pill for my dear downtrodden wife to take, after queuing up for hours to obtain for M Gallipot a bottle from the last batch of HP Sause made in the UK, and then to be told that it's like diarrhoe, Well! devastated