Ron & Eff Christmas 2006 Part I

Eff leaned back, stretched, and emitted a contented little sigh.

"You know, Ron," said she,"It's not all bad using this Chunnel train. At least you can relax as well, and I don't have to keep turning the maps upside down, 'cos you don't know where we are!"

Ron, reflecting on his position, simply said nothing. He knew that he always knew where he was, even when the map was upside down, he knew that when he was aiming in the direction of Southern France, signs for Paris and other northerly areas, like Brussels, were not what he wanted to see on the roadside signs, despite what Eff said- ("must be a shortcut, love").
Now, of course, due to his newly installed satellite direction system, he had no such problems, and he presumed (reasonably) that even this bloody Chunnel train between Britain and Paris had tracks which led to the destination required.
"All roads lead to Rome," he thought, and then decided that if Eff had been the train driver, that probably would have been the case, even for the London-Paris chunnel express! The thought frightened him, because he suddenly realised that he didn't know the driver, and his wallet was full of French Francs, not Italian Lire, all left over from previous trips.
"No," he decided, "not even British Railways could get this one wrong!"
He fingered his old French Franc banknotes, and wondered if he would be able to get rid of them, somewhere. Maybe an unsuspecting Asian tourist (they said that Disneyland was full of them) or a Dutchman, wound up on "wacky-backy", (that would give him the most pleasure). In any case, it didn't really matter, he had the other wallet, full of these funny things, called Euros, which he wasn't too sure would work!
"Good job we decided to take advantage of my tombola win at Sainsbury's, Ron, and use the train tickets, rather than taking our car. See, you can really relax, can't you sugar?"
"Yes, Eff, but I can't get my mind used to going to France without my golf clubs.
I've always had my golf clubs with me, and I feel kind of lonely without them!"
"Ron - you don't even know if there's a golf course in Disneyworld, and it IS only for a week or so!" said Eff, throwing a quick look upwards, to make sure that Ron hadn't smuggled a club or two into their luggage.
"No golf course," exploded Ron,"It's a bloody American thing isn't it? Can you imagine no golf course?"
"Anyway, sugar, relax - enjoy your train trip, no hassle, no getting stuck in the middle of nowhere, with just a British Railways sandwich as supper, and that in the middle of France, like the last time," retorted Eff (who was looking forward to a week of refound amourous adventures with Ron, on the sacred soil of France, which always seemed to make him friskier).
No sooner had she said that, than the train suddenly slowed, screeched to a halt, and a total silence reigned.
"Christ, Eff," said Ron,"We're about 300 feet under the Channel, in a bloody tunnel, and the train's broken down. I hope that Marquis fellow wasn't right about his Terrorist attacks theory, you know - on Ferries and Tunnels and things! Thinking about it, I wonder when he is going to turn up, like the bad penny, in this year's Christmas holiday! Can I have one of our sandwiches, please, while we wait for something to happen?"
"Oh Ron," whispered Eff,"you know he does mean well, and anyway, Disneyworld isn't quite the place I could imagine Mr le Marquis, at anytime, let alone Christmas!"
She passed Ron a nicely prepared sandwich, with the crusts cut off, just as he liked them.
"Yeah, maybe you're right, Eff," said Ron,"But I didn't like the way he looked at you last holiday's - those bloody Aristocrats are capable of anything, you know!"
Eff just giggled into her sandwich, and watched, hypnotised, as Ron put the sandwich into his mouth, at the very instant that the train took a jolt forward, forcing the salad cream up his nostrils, and leaving a piece of water cress stuck on the end of his nose. She watched, fascinated at the upward, sideways movement of this piece of cress as Ron said - "That's better, at least we'll miss the high tide above us - lovely sandwich, Eff!" ********** Ron continued, together with his piece of cress:
"You know, Eff, this could all turn out all right, with a bit of luck we'll miss out on the kids, the cooking, the presents, the clearing up and all the rest of it. No Marquis, no Dutch, no bloody Frogs - except them serving us in the hotel - could be a bit of all right, and all for free. What did you buy, anyway, to get the 1st prize?"
"Well Ron - actually it was something I wouldn't normally buy, but since I wasn't sure about Christmas, and who would be coming and all the rest, I saw this special offer of frozen Turkey, and I thought - well, it wouldn't harm, just to have one in the freezer, just in case. That's what took me over the limit and got me a second chance in the tombola, and here we are!"
"Why didn't you buy something else that I love, like some snails, or frogs legs, or prepared chicken gizzard salad - we probably would have won the trip to Florida," muttered Ron,"and I could have taken my golf clubs!"
"Now listen, Ronston," said Eff - (Eff only used Ron's full christian name in critical circumstances, and Ron wisely NEVER replied).
So the trip went on, the train came out of the Chunnel, making everybody blind for a few moments.
"I've never understood that," said Ron,"It's only a couple of miles under water, but when you come out of the tunnel, the sun is always shining - unless you're on the way back!"
"Probably the Marquis arranges all that for us, Ron - you know how much he likes to try and take care of things," said Eff, mischievously, knowing how much the simple mention of Mr le Marquis upset Ron.
"Oh sod him, we've arrived Eff, we're nearly there, and I haven't seen hide nor hair of a Frenchman, a Dutchman or even a bloody Marquis! This holiday could be a belter! They don't have chimneys in the rooms at the hotel, do they? If they do, I'm having the thing blocked up!"



So there they were, our two lovers and heros, happy as larry, arrived at the wonderworld of Disney, and Ron still had this fascinating piece of water cress stuck on the end of his nose, looking all the world like something out of a Disney cartoon.
Eff wondered what would happen when Goofy arrived to welcome them at the entrance!
But that will all be in Part II - later in this Christmas month of December 2006!